by S N Smith — Feb 9, 2025
When we read the various stories in the Quran, the hadith, the prophetic biography and Islamic history, we should not read merely for entertainment but rather to seek spirtual guidance, as well as how to lead our lives. With that in view, consider the following incident:
Abdur Rahman al-Salami reported: Umar ibn al-Khattab, may Allah be pleased with him, said, “Do not be excessive in the dowry of women.” A woman said, “It is no so, O Umar, for Allah said: You gave one of them a great amount,” (Quran 4:20). Umar said, “Indeed, a woman has disputed Umar and she has defeated him.”
In another narration, Umar said, “The woman is right and the man is wrong.”
Source: Muṣannaf ‘Abd al-Razzāq
Consider the fact that at the time of this incident Umar ibn al-Khattab was the ruler over the Muslims (caliph). In addition, he was a highly ranked companion of the prophet and one of those given the glad tidings of paradise.
So his position and status was quite strong.
He was delivering a sermon in which he was admonishing people to restrict the size of the marriage dowries because he felt they were becoming overly excessive. But a woman, we are not told what her name was, called Umar out and reminded him to fear Allah and that he does not have the authority to restrict the size of the marriage dowries and recited to him the above Quranic verse as evidence.
Umar ibn al-Khattab immediatly relented and said, “The woman is right and the man [referring to himself] is wrong.”
He could have used his power and position to silence the woman and punish her for contradicting him. He could have also told her that she has no standing to question his statements. But because he had fear of Allah and had deep respect for the Quranic injunctions, he admitted that his position was wrong that the woman held the correct position.
Despite his position, he did not allow his ego to get in the way of doing the right thing.
The word “ego” has several meanings depending on the context, including the following:
- Psychological Perspective (Freudian Theory) – In Sigmund Freud’s psychoanalytic theory, the ego is the part of the psyche that mediates between the id (instinctual desires), the superego (moral and societal standards), and reality. It operates based on the reality principle, balancing desires with practicality and social norms.
- Philosophical & Common Use – Ego often refers to a person’s sense of self or self-identity. It can mean self-awareness, self-esteem, or self-importance.
- Colloquial Use – In everyday language, “ego” is sometimes used to describe pride, arrogance, or an inflated sense of self-worth (e.g., “He has a big ego”).
In this article I am referring to meaning number 3, the colloquial usage of the term.
Umar ibn al-Khattab did not allow his ego to prevent him from doing that which was right or pulling rank on the woman and telling her that, due to him being the ruler and a companion of the prophet, he had to be obeyed no matter what. And how dare she embarrass him by correcting him right in public!
Doing that which was right was more important than his personal feellings.
Compare this incident with leaders of today, especially in the Muslim world, and how if anyone would cross these leaders in any way or call them out for their wrong-doing, they would throw those speaking out in prison, or even have them killed.
And on a more micro level, sometimes those around us — perhaps our friends or other people we deal with on a daily basis — call us out and correct us when we make an error. How do we react when this happens? Do we allow our egos to get in the way and flare up in anger, or do we embrace humilty and admit when we are wrong?
May Allah help us not to be controlled by our feelings but rather by a genuine desire to do the right thing and behave justly and humbly towards those with whom we deal with regardless of their station in life.
