Invitation-
My friend invited me to attend his son’s wedding, he also asked if I could speak about the happiness of marriage as my wife & I have been married for decades and still going strong. I could not decline my friend’s enthusiastic invitation and without giving it much thought, I quickly agreed to both requests.
I told myself that although I am not much of a good speaker, especially without using a paper to read from, I would attempt to give this speech my best shot…perhaps dress it up with some humour. After all, I had agreed to speak, and a promise is a promise. The most important thing was to drive home the message of how to achieve and maintain a happy marriage.
So…. what do I say to a newlywed couple who are madly in love with each other and about to start a new life together. I wonder if they are aware of what lay ahead in their life?
For days I tried to come up with examples that might be realistic, acceptable and interesting for the young couple to learn from and to appreciate In fact, digging deeper into my older personal experiences may have helped me come up with fresh new ideas.
Intellectual man-
I could, for example start by quoting a wise, well-known statement that may make sense, such as: Marriage is “a life full of give and take, although some partners might think that it is ok to believe that it is more “take” than give.”
It is certainly not the physical attraction that might matter the most, however, I must be reminded too that I should “put my money where my mouth is”. Given, the physical attraction may win initially. However would that keep the marriage going?
I asked one of my “intellectual” friends, who had 2 failed marriages and who is currently working on his third adventure: What makes a marriage successful and what might cause it to fail?
His reply was: A successful marriage is when your partner appreciates your intellectual abilities and attempts to enhance it by giving you all the time in the world to do what you do best. Also, a marriage might crash when you are eager to watch the BBC news but your partner wishes to follow up on the events of her favourite soap opera!
Freedom-
We must be reminded that the freedom that one might have enjoyed as a bachelor should be politely deemed as “a thing of the past.” Once you decide to tie the knot as some wisely say, you must accept a new outlook on life. This means you cannot keep the umbilical cord that joins you to your parents intact. If you wish to marry, you must come to terms with the saying: You cannot have your cake and eat it too!
Yes, it is true that your mom cooked for you, did your dirty laundry and invariably cleaned your pungent room for years while your physically challenged dad (or so he seemed) dragged the garbage bags every week to the road curb, shovelled the snow and mowed the lawn. All those daily activities were nicely paced and convenient for you because you were either fast asleep, polluting the air in your room with your unsanitary habits or you were off with friends pursuing some adventure. Obviously, you were totally oblivious of what was going on around you at your parents’ home. Those activities were boringly tedious, and they did not fit in with your exciting young lifestyle. You took your life at home for granted. I say to you now: wake up, Mister! If you wish to marry your lovebird, you will have to start acting like a man and stop behaving like a boy.
The New Partner-
Remember that you will have a new partner in the house and yes, she would want to present the best picture of her small family in the neighbourhood. That means, young man, you will have to get off your “you know what” and start acting like the happily married man and perform as worthwhile neighbour. You will have to carry out your responsibilities and look pleased about it to satisfy your bride. You cannot do one without the other. Mommy and daddy are no longer available to cater to your carefree lifestyle. No more all-night carousing.
Your neighbours will welcome you into the neighbourhood when they see a new neighbour that maintains his property, so the value of the properties area does not fall. Rest assured that they will be keeping an eye on your movement’s day in and day out. They will appreciate seeing a neatly mowed lawn, a tidy driveway with vehicles properly parked and safe even during winter. In addition, the postman will gladly venture to put your mail in the mailbox when he sees that the driveway is easily negotiable, every season, especially in winter. Another reason you must attend to is your around the home duties earnestly. Oh, and lest we forget-the backyard will not have a mediocre clothesline either. The Backyard cannot be looked at as ghetto!
Naturally, your life partner will be proud and will brag about how wonderful her husband is, and she will feel confident seeing her family fit comfortably into the neighbourhood surroundings. You too will feel proud of your accomplishments.
For the love of my family
While we are at it, I recommend that you consider the glorious weekly routine of taking a magazine to read inside the car at subzero temperatures while your partner is having her hair done at the salon on a late Friday afternoon…. yes, it can happen! An added strain to the family budget might be going home then drive back downtown to pick her up, because of the high gas prices. But who would hesitate to please his lovely wife?
Certainly, not a man striving to be the perfect husband. Right?
Oh, one more thing I almost forgot to mention. The sleepless nights that produced happy bundles of joy will make you the father that you wished to be. Raising the children is a wonderful experience which inevitably also raises the blood pressure, cause fast-growing grey hair, etc. And hey, do not forget to budget for the babysitter and ensure you always pick up the kids on time. There will be no excuse to fault the freezing rain or the lousy weather that might delay you. A contract is a contract and that is something you might have to learn as you go along in your happy married life. For along with marriage is a set of unspoken rules that we have to follow..
The last item I would like to touch upon is life insurance. You are being visited by your parent’s insurance agent who put a policy on you when you were first born. Your parents paid the premium faithfully. The policy has become a gift for you as you take its ownership. Now, it is time to carry on what your parents have decided for you when you were a toddler. From behind his reading glasses, the now grey-haired insurance agent would recommend the “Freedom 55” package which would bring about the future dream of family security! The bigger the death benefit, the happier the family will be in the event of your death. You will be proud to note that your growing family will not have to rely on the support of others in the event that you “kick the bucket” prematurely, God forbid! You do not have to worry. You will be pleased to know that the house mortgage, the car loans and the kids’ educational policies would be taken care of. Your wife would not have to suffer the loss of her beloved husband and the loss of the house and car too. Your monthly premium is merely about $700.00. Your loving wife’s relieved smile from across the kitchen table says it all. This is all for the sake of your future happiness. You are also advised that it is highly recommended to have a policy on your wife as well.
Silver lining
Then, one day, as you look at yourself in the mirror. Suddenly, you see something greyish on the top of your head and sideburns. You will then ask yourself: “Is this what they call the silver lining which announces the start of old age?” You may also ask: “Is this the golden cage that I have dreamt about when I decided to get married? Are the neighbours now pleased with me and my family? Have I fulfilled my dream and the duties as a husband and a parent? Will God be pleased with me too and deliver me into Heavens when I die?”
There is no guarantee that marriage will be happy or last a lifetime. They say that in North America, over 50% of marriages break up. So, I say, make the best of it while you can, enjoy being married and savour each experience, each relationship born of your union.
Conclusion
I have always believed in and still believe in one thing. Marriage is not a cure for what is lacking in one’s life. Marriage takes a lot of work-on both sides! So, if you cannot commit yourself to it, don’t bother getting married, it will only lead to disappointment if you do. It is the little thing you do for each other every day, not just a few times a year or at family events. It is consideration, patience, control and most of all, respect. Just because you are married does not mean you can “pass gas” whenever you feel you like or putter around in pyjamas all day…it does not mean you can become the slob that has always lived inside you. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying you should never fart or putter around all day looking like a mob, once in a while may be OK. It is allowed but not too often. As a married person, I think you have an obligation to show your best side to your partner so that he/she will forgive your misgiving(s), which should be infrequent. And all the things you do for each other should not be done grudgingly. They should be done willingly, without reminders and not just to keep up appearances. Because like I said: Marriage takes a lot of work on both sides, but when there are mutual respect and love, it will not be a burden….it will be a pleasure to please each other.
There is a Japanese saying, “You don’t feed the fish once it is caught.” Fine. if you intend to eat it right away, but if you throw it into a tank without food, it will die. Just like marriage, if you do not keep it nourished, it will die.
Many of us might leave things in the hands of our Creator and hope for the best…nothing wrong with that. That is perhaps a wise route to follow. There are no options other than to be a responsible married person too and then leave the rest to God. And forget about the “good old days of the bachelor’s life!” Those days are gone, the past is done, and it is time to look forward to the future, your future together.
Blessed couples certainly have eternal happiness. Not so blessed can work on it to make it work.
