On hurting those closest to us and correcting that hurt, by S N Smith
It is a sad reality but the people closest to us, including our parents, siblings, spouses, best friends, the people we most look up to, are the ones we end up hurting or who end up hurting us the most. Perhaps the opinions of other people outside of the categories mentioned above do not matter and that their words and actions have little impact upon us other than for a fleeting moment.
But regarding those people who are so close to us, there is a deep emotional attachment that we have to them, so when they do or say things to hurt us or wound us in some way, even when they may not necessarily be aware that they are doing so, it is really painful.
Did you ever have a sibling that said many hurtful things to you but it did not bother you that much, but you had another sibling who if they even said one thing to you it would really wound you deeply? I do not fully understand the dynamic that takes place here, but I think it has a lot to do with the fact that the attachment we have developed towards one person can determine how much they can hurt us.
We have to be so careful sometimes even with our closest family members and friends, yet with even all of our precautions we sometimes say things that are very hurtful and can even drive people away. I personally think that I am guilty of this over the years. I think I personally have driven a number of people away unintentionally — and maybe even intentionally — and it makes me feel both sad and remorseful on the inside that I have done this. I literally cringe thinking about it.
Our faith teaches us to be considerate towards the feelings of others. There are many verses in the Quran and examples in the prophetic Sunnah which highlight this but I could not cite all of them here.
Consider, for example, the following verses in Surah al-Hujraat 49:10-12:
إِنَّمَا ٱلۡمُؤۡمِنُونَ إِخۡوَةٌ۬ فَأَصۡلِحُواْ بَيۡنَ أَخَوَيۡكُمۡۚ وَٱتَّقُواْ ٱللَّهَ لَعَلَّكُمۡ تُرۡحَمُونَ (١٠) يَـٰٓأَيُّہَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُواْ لَا يَسۡخَرۡ قَوۡمٌ۬ مِّن قَوۡمٍ عَسَىٰٓ أَن يَكُونُواْ خَيۡرً۬ا مِّنۡہُمۡ وَلَا نِسَآءٌ۬ مِّن نِّسَآءٍ عَسَىٰٓ أَن يَكُنَّ خَيۡرً۬ا مِّنۡہُنَّۖ وَلَا تَلۡمِزُوٓاْ أَنفُسَكُمۡ وَلَا تَنَابَزُواْ بِٱلۡأَلۡقَـٰبِۖ بِئۡسَ ٱلِٱسۡمُ ٱلۡفُسُوقُ بَعۡدَ ٱلۡإِيمَـٰنِۚ وَمَن لَّمۡ يَتُبۡ فَأُوْلَـٰٓٮِٕكَ هُمُ ٱلظَّـٰلِمُونَ (١١) يَـٰٓأَيُّہَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُواْ ٱجۡتَنِبُواْ كَثِيرً۬ا مِّنَ ٱلظَّنِّ إِنَّ بَعۡضَ ٱلظَّنِّ إِثۡمٌ۬ۖ وَلَا تَجَسَّسُواْ وَلَا يَغۡتَب بَّعۡضُكُم بَعۡضًاۚ أَيُحِبُّ أَحَدُڪُمۡ أَن يَأۡڪُلَ لَحۡمَ أَخِيهِ مَيۡتً۬ا فَكَرِهۡتُمُوهُۚ وَٱتَّقُواْ ٱللَّهَۚ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ تَوَّابٌ۬ رَّحِيمٌ۬ (١٢)
The Believers are but a single Brotherhood: So make peace and reconciliation between your two (contending) brothers: And fear Allah that ye may receive Mercy. (10) O ye who believe! let not some men among you laugh at others: it may be that the (latter) are better than the (former): nor let some women laugh at others: it may be that the (latter) are better than the (former): nor defame nor be sarcastic to each other, nor call each other by (offensive) nicknames: Ill-seeming is a name connoting wickedness, (to be used of one) after he has believed: And those who do not desist are (Indeed) doing wrong. (11) O ye who believe! avoid suspicion as much (as possible): for suspicion in some cases is a sin: and spy not on each other, nor speak ill of each other behind their backs. Would any of you like to eat the flesh of his dead brother? Nay, ye would abhor it…but fear Allah: for Allah is Oft-Returning, Most Merciful. (12)
And in Surah al Baqarah 2:261-265:
مَّثَلُ ٱلَّذِينَ يُنفِقُونَ أَمۡوَٲلَهُمۡ فِى سَبِيلِ ٱللَّهِ كَمَثَلِ حَبَّةٍ أَنۢبَتَتۡ سَبۡعَ سَنَابِلَ فِى كُلِّ سُنۢبُلَةٍ۬ مِّاْئَةُ حَبَّةٍ۬ۗ وَٱللَّهُ يُضَـٰعِفُ لِمَن يَشَآءُۗ وَٱللَّهُ وَٲسِعٌ عَلِيمٌ (٢٦١) ٱلَّذِينَ يُنفِقُونَ أَمۡوَٲلَهُمۡ فِى سَبِيلِ ٱللَّهِ ثُمَّ لَا يُتۡبِعُونَ مَآ أَنفَقُواْ مَنًّ۬ا وَلَآ أَذً۬ىۙ لَّهُمۡ أَجۡرُهُمۡ عِندَ رَبِّهِمۡ وَلَا خَوۡفٌ عَلَيۡهِمۡ وَلَا هُمۡ يَحۡزَنُونَ (٢٦٢) ۞ قَوۡلٌ۬ مَّعۡرُوفٌ۬ وَمَغۡفِرَةٌ خَيۡرٌ۬ مِّن صَدَقَةٍ۬ يَتۡبَعُهَآ أَذً۬ىۗ وَٱللَّهُ غَنِىٌّ حَلِيمٌ۬ (٢٦٣) يَـٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُواْ لَا تُبۡطِلُواْ صَدَقَـٰتِكُم بِٱلۡمَنِّ وَٱلۡأَذَىٰ كَٱلَّذِى يُنفِقُ مَالَهُ ۥ رِئَآءَ ٱلنَّاسِ وَلَا يُؤۡمِنُ بِٱللَّهِ وَٱلۡيَوۡمِ ٱلۡأَخِرِۖ فَمَثَلُهُ ۥ كَمَثَلِ صَفۡوَانٍ عَلَيۡهِ تُرَابٌ۬ فَأَصَابَهُ ۥ وَابِلٌ۬ فَتَرَڪَهُ ۥ صَلۡدً۬اۖ لَّا يَقۡدِرُونَ عَلَىٰ شَىۡءٍ۬ مِّمَّا ڪَسَبُواْۗ وَٱللَّهُ لَا يَهۡدِى ٱلۡقَوۡمَ ٱلۡكَـٰفِرِينَ (٢٦٤) وَمَثَلُ ٱلَّذِينَ يُنفِقُونَ أَمۡوَٲلَهُمُ ٱبۡتِغَآءَ مَرۡضَاتِ ٱللَّهِ وَتَثۡبِيتً۬ا مِّنۡ أَنفُسِهِمۡ كَمَثَلِ جَنَّةِۭ بِرَبۡوَةٍ أَصَابَهَا وَابِلٌ۬ فَـَٔاتَتۡ أُڪُلَهَا ضِعۡفَيۡنِ فَإِن لَّمۡ يُصِبۡہَا وَابِلٌ۬ فَطَلٌّ۬ۗ وَٱللَّهُ بِمَا تَعۡمَلُونَ بَصِيرٌ (٢٦٥)
The parable of those who spend their wealth in the way of Allah is that of a grain of corn: it groweth seven ears, and each ear hath a hundred grains. Allah giveth manifold increase to whom He pleaseth; and Allah careth for all and He knoweth all things. (261) Those who spend their wealth in the cause of Allah and follow not up their gifts with reminders of their generosity or with injury,― for them their reward is with their Lord; on them shall be no fear, nor shall they grieve. (262) Kind words and the covering of faults are better than charity followed by injury. Allah is free of all wants, and He is Most Forbearing. (263) O ye who believe! Cancel not your charity by reminders of your generosity or by injury― like those who spend their substance to be seen of men, but believe neither in Allah nor in the Last Day. They are in Parable like a hard, barren rock, on which is a little soil; on it falls heavy rain, which leaves it (just) a bare stone. They will be able to do nothing with aught they have earned. And Allah guideth not those who reject faith. (264) And the likeness of those who spend their substance seeking to please Allah and to strengthen their souls, is as a garden high and fertile: heavy rain falls on it but makes it yield a double increase of harvest, and if it receives not heavy rain, light moisture sufficeth it. Allah seeth well whatever ye do. (265)
And in Surah Al-Isra’ 17: 53 Allah says:
وَقُل لِّعِبَادِى يَقُولُواْ ٱلَّتِى هِىَ أَحۡسَنُۚ إِنَّ ٱلشَّيۡطَـٰنَ يَنزَغُ بَيۡنَہُمۡۚ إِنَّ ٱلشَّيۡطَـٰنَ كَانَ لِلۡإِنسَـٰنِ عَدُوًّ۬ا مُّبِينً۬ا (٥٣)
“And tell My servants that they should always say those words that are the best. Satan verily, sows a state of conflict and disagreements among them.” (see also 2:83)
And of course our best example is that of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). Allah addresses him in the Quran with following in Alee Imran 3:159:
فَبِمَا رَحۡمَةٍ۬ مِّنَ ٱللَّهِ لِنتَ لَهُمۡۖ وَلَوۡ كُنتَ فَظًّا غَلِيظَ ٱلۡقَلۡبِ لَٱنفَضُّواْ مِنۡ حَوۡلِكَۖ فَٱعۡفُ عَنۡہُمۡ وَٱسۡتَغۡفِرۡ لَهُمۡ وَشَاوِرۡهُمۡ فِى ٱلۡأَمۡرِۖ فَإِذَا عَزَمۡتَ فَتَوَكَّلۡ عَلَى ٱللَّهِۚ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ يُحِبُّ ٱلۡمُتَوَكِّلِينَ (١٥٩)
”It is part of the Mercy of Allah that thou dost deal gently with them. Wert thou severe or harsh-hearted they would have broken away from about thee; so pass over (their faults), and ask for (Allah’s) forgiveness for them; and consult them in affairs (of moment). Then when thou hast taken a decision, put thy trust in Allah. For Allah loves those who put their trust (in Him).”
I think many of us have our mean moments in which even our family members and best friends are not safe from our words and actions and we can lash out at them or say things that are very hurtful. We are later forced to apologize after we cool down a bit. Sometimes wounds are inflicted so deeply that the friendship or relationship is never the same again and may eventually break off.
Personal restraint is something that we need to learn to exercise on a regular basis. Islam teaches a lot about controlling the tongue. We also need to learn to not insist on being right every single time even when we may feel that we are right. Maintaining the integrity of a relationship is more important sometimes than being right. We may win a particular argument but then lose the person, which would be a travesty. Humility is always the rule of the day here.
I think one good rule to live by is to speak as little as possible because the more we speak the more we will be held accountable for. But I know that many of us possess an urge to say something even though we know deep in our hearts that it would be a wiser course of action to keep quiet. We seem to know that when certain words escape from our mouths that we immediately regret what we have said and can foresee the consequences of our words. Indeed, we humans are very rash and foolish in our actions and end up needlessly destroying otherwise good and solid relationships while really not getting anything in return other than a lot of pain and suffering. Why do we do this?
I think a good rule about talking about others when they are not present is to always speak in a favorable way about them, such as highlighting their virtues and other good qualities that they have. By talking about people who are not present in a bad and unfavorable way will harden one’s hurt, ruin their reputation and potentially inflict a lot of damage on the one being talked about.
We should also seek to give people the benefit of the doubt and exercise Husn adh-Dhan towards people, which involves thinking positively and well of others.
Hamdun al-Qassar, one of the great early Muslims, said, “If a friend among your friends errs, make seventy excuses for them. If your hearts are unable to do this, then know that the shortcoming is in your own selves.” [Imam Bayhaqi, Shu`ab al-Iman, 7.522]
I encourage you to read the article “Making 70 Excuses for Others in Islam – A Key Duty of Brotherhood.”
Of course, we cannot always avoid conflicts and bad feelings, and conflicts in the most solid of relationships with really good people do take place, but we should take steps to reduce the chances of this happening and be quick to patch things up when these conflicts do arise.
